Being Poly Isn't a Cop-Out

One of the most common reactions to my assertion that I am Polyamorous is the look of astonishment coming from a person who assumes that means that I believe I can have sex with anyone I want, without any cares for the other relationships I have. The prevailing thought is that Poly-folk are looking for a way to excuse bad behavior in the past, to cover up being promiscuous or unfaithful in a relationship. Often, someone Poly is considered to be a slut or a womanizer.

Indeed, there are some who fall into the category of Polyamorous who act in such a manner, choosing lovers and romances without concern about how their actions affect others.

However, I aspire to the ideal of Ethical Polyamory - which means that I believe that I should not enter into relationships without the consent of all affected - my Primary, any others I am involved with, and the prospective new partner. Anyone who has a relationship with me, sexually or romantically, is going to affect the others I love, and they are going to be affected by those I love, in turn.

It is also important that I do not lead others to be misled about myself - just as I would not want others to lie to me. Love is based upon trust, and when trust is violated, love withers and tends to die. Love based upon lies is built upon a tar pit for a foundation, and is doomed more likely to fail than succeed, no matter the intensity of the passion.

As Poly, I do believe that every person in my relationship structure has the right to choose whether they wish one or more lovers. It is not a matter of having multiple lovers. It is the ability to make that choice as each person sees fit.

That is why I will always identify as Poly, no matter whether I am in a monogamous relationship, a Triad, or any other form or relationship.

Because love divided is not diminished - how can something infinite be?

(c) Tortured Cyclone 2017

Primary

Two people,
their worlds combined,
even with other loves
that become aligned,
still the reality
of all that is
for the truth lies within.
The others have a flirtation,
a romance drifting free,
while you and I
have something more,
even if sometimes it lacks
that sheer elemental rush
of the lovers waltz,
because they have a page
a chapter in this story,
but you and I have a world,
made of pain and joy,
loss and longing.
They are a portion,
we are the world.

(c) Tortured Cyclone 2015

October 27: No Passing Fancy

As I gaze forward,
I see a possibility
of something most
would find a fantasy.
The day approaches
where we three
stand together, a trinity.
Though you say it
is only a dream,
I'll tell you true,
this is no passing fancy,
it is our destiny.

October 12: Triad

Amazed, I stand
before you,
confident that
destiny's debt is paid.
Every dream, at last,
fulfilled, and our release
granted from the
hideous doom,
infinite separation,
judgment of sentence paid.
Karmic debts met,
leaving us to
make our reunion.
Nothing can
oppose us now,
Princes and Powers
quiescent,
resigned to our mutual
salvation through love.
Trinity reforged,
universal bonds strengthened,
visions of hope
woven through dreams,
x-acted recompense for endless
years sundered,
zenith of apotheosis upon us.

On Stereotypes

I face a lot of stereotypes, every day. It seems like everyone has their own preconceptions about me that they form off of the basis of reading a description and statements about my interests. Very few people take the time to leaven those stereotypes with reality, or they become angry if I don't act in accordance to how they feel I should act.

This is especially sad, because this is the place where all of my masks come down. Where I am able to wholly relax and be myself. And almost everyone makes assumptions based off of one facet or another of who I am, instead of taking the time to get to know me in all my complexity.

There are not a whole lot of people out there that are:

Polyamorous
Dominant
A writer
Advocate for a parent's right to choose
Abuse cycle survivor
Against career politicians
A musician
Trained to become a Baptist minister
Believer in reincarnation
An actor
Empath/Sensitive
Pro-military
Pro-Israel
Believer in the worth of chivalry
Proponent of gender equality
Firm believer in civic responsibility
Romantic and idealist
Believer in diversity

But few bother to see more than one facet.

And that is a terrible shame...

An Admission

I am human. I have topics that are red flags for me. Things that instantly offend me. Things I find it very hard to close my eyes to.

One of those things is the perception of Polyamory. I find it instantly offensive to characterize any person's lifestyle as merely a game, and it is hurtful to see someone caricature it in such a manner. This is what led to my conflict last September with a member of the Twitter community about something he characterized as a game.

This is why I was deeply offended when I found out that the same person, at the urging of several other members of the Twitter community had restarted the game. If they did not know it would offend me, it is certain that the person who had posted it before was cognizant that it would do so.

The reason this is so offensive is simply because this is not a lifestyle that is openly accepted. It is a lifestyle, that if I was outed, could lead to ostracism of my family in the offline world. For several years, I have lived a lie, for the sake of my family. So it is a very serious thing to me.

Forgive me if I view someone characterizing this as a game to be highly offensive. Forgive me if I feel hurt by not only the person who restarted the game, but the people who urged him to do so. I cannot believe that they were not aware of how insulting it is.

Forgive me that I am human enough to have a hard time ignoring it when it is on the timelines of several people I follow. I was told it was none of my business, but the game was shoved in my face last time.

It is disingenuous to say you respect someone's lifestyle and say you respect them as a person, and then deliberately do something you know will cause offense. This has damaged my opinion of all those involved.

So forgive me for being a human being.

A Modern Model for Polyamorous Relationships: How It Can Work...

One of the strongest issues faced by any member of a polyamorous relationship is the strong cultural bias against polyamory in most American-influenced cultures. The American-influenced culture is largely based upon Judeo-Christian morality, which traditionally supports monogamous heterosexual relationships. In this day and age, there are a number of arguments that can be made to support the validity of this alternate relationship model.

One of the models for a polyamorous lifestyle can be found in Robert Heinlein’s novel, Friday. It is the formal “S-Group”. In such a formalized relationship, all adult members of the household enter into a binding contract, a hybridization of marriage contract and corporate agreement. Each member of the household signs the contract when it is made – and detailed within are all of the responsibilities and privileges that adult members of the household gain. The weight each member of the household gains in issues that need to be decided for the household is also delineated therein.

Often, as Heinlein puts it, the S in S-Group is assumed to mean sex. In fact, what the S means is security. This security comes in different forms.

One of the greatest strengths of the S-Group relationship model is the ability to communally pool resources for the betterment of the household. The struggle for financial independence has become more and more difficult, with more households in the customary relationship model of the married couple to be employed in order to provide for the well-being, along with that of any progeny. In an S-Group, greater financial security is a result – due to the increased number of potential contributors to the familial finances.

The security gained from a S-Group is not merely financial, however. As Friday explains, although she had no children, she was able to feel a part of the family (in the S-Group she was in) by playing with the children of the other partners in the group. This sense of being a part of family is comparable to the strong bond that exists within many sprawling extended families. There is always someone there.

Nowhere is this more important than with children. The bond formed by a child to their family is extremely important to their development. Often, in a traditional family arrangement, a child may end up left out, due to one or more adults in the family being preoccupied with their own concerns. Children need attention and nurturing, and the presence of an extended family unit, as shown in Jean Auel’s Earth’s Children books, can be a huge contributor to a child’s well-being. Ayla’s son Durc, even after Ayla is cast out by the Clan, is able to look to many of the members of the Clan for his care. Ayla consoles herself afterwards with the knowledge that her son would have no lack of people to teach him the things he would need to not only survive, but to thrive.

Similarly, in an S-Group arrangement, there are more people around to provide attention and caring to the children. This can help to head off the issues of neglect and parental ignorance that contribute negatively to many children’s formative years.

While the support of an S-Group is strongest for the children, that support is there as well for the adult members of the group. So long as lines of communication are open, the members of the S-Group form a support network for each other. This support can be a key contributor to the well-being of adults.

The contract-based arrangement of an S-Group underscores the seriousness of the relationship, as well. One of the common perceptions of polyamory is that all polyamorous relationships are those in which the partners have license to have intimate encounters with whomever they please, at will, and without consideration for the feelings of their partners. The contractual arrangement stresses the fact that decisions made by any one member of the S-Group have repercussions for all. Whether a polyamorous relationship is exclusive or not, if it is successful, it will always respect that fact just as much as successful traditional marriages do.

I highly recommend that people who are interested in polyamory take a look at Heinlein’s writing, as there are many examples of polyamory sprinkled therein. He also includes some strong exemplars of ethical and moral polyamory.

(c) Tortured Cyclone 2005, 2015

The Lightning Rod

So many times,
I draw the attention,
the ire,
the condemnation
of people whose opinions
differ from mine.
They see me
as an exemplar
of a lifestyle
they do not agree with
that represents something
they consider a threat
to their own beliefs.
All because
I have the conviction
to stand up
and say, "This is me.
This is who I am."
No apologies,
no evasions,
for once not hiding
from a world
that doesn't understand.
And I am grieved,
because even though
the Supreme Court
rules same-sex marriage legal,
anything not "normal"
is still viewed as an aberration,
an abomination,
when all it is,
is a different description
of what love can be.
So I become
a lightning rod,
drawing the bolts
of discrimination,
hoping they will not
be aimed at those others
who share some or all
of my beliefs,
praying for a day.
when I,
and they,
can live as we choose.

(c) Tortured Cyclone 2015

Retort

Don't tell me
my feelings are invalid.
That what I speak of
is a mere illusion.
You can judge from experience
of your own circumstances
but not having walked
in my shoes,
how can you say
that what I feel isn't true?
And what law says
that you are right
and I am wrong,
just because 99%
of the world agrees
with your view?

© Tortured Cyclone 2015

The Last Prayer

I hear so many times
a sense of disbelief
that a specific relationship
could matter so much
to someone Polyamorous,
that losing that someone
would hurt him as badly
as anyone else,
as if being Poly somehow
made me less vulnerable,
or less loving,
than other people.
The difference, however,
is that in a non-Poly world,
enduring relationships
are hard to find,
and harder to maintain.
Both partners must accept
the other partner's ties,
and respect them.
This isn't always easy,
and I live in frequent worry
that those other ties
might take my loved ones away.
So I bury the fear,
praying for their happiness,
hoping that pursuit
doesn't take them away from me.